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Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Resistance is Futile

Lately, Jacob has been putting up a big fuss about leaving me.  There are lots of reasons for this and I'm normally the calm, understanding, compassionate Mama.

Today was the day from HELL.  Seriously -- blood pressure rising, nail biting, pulling my hair out by the roots, pacing the floor, and obsessively purging anything I could get my hands on -- hellish. Did anything earth shattering happen?  Were my children harmed?  Was someone lying in the hospital with only one arm hanging on by a little thready piece of skin after a badger tried to bite it off?

Did chocolate vanish from the planet forever?


Decidedly, no to all the questions above.  So how does a day get to be this stressful?  First let's begin with a few highlights, shall we?  Woke up incredibly fatigued from this damned tumor.  Fatigue is really bad on some days -- so much so it's very difficult to get out of bed.  The Rascal's father and I had worked out him taking over morning shift on his own (we sync morning routine and it's as smooth as can be) but that was not to be.  A permission slip, for a field trip to a local gym, needed to be filled out.  This is a gym where the Rascals already are members for gymnastics.  Everything is on file there. So in my highly fatigued, blurry eyed state, I sat down to fill out these monsters.  Don't forget with twins everything is times two...even though I've attempted to get away with just writing both of their names on top of different forms just to see if I can get it to fly past the radar.

Permission slips done.  Wait.  Didn't I already fill out permission slips at the beginning of the year to include all field trips?  I did, but perhaps I just signed a permission slip to receive more permission slips.  Everything filled out, signed, blood sample given, the deed to my house and an offer for them to keep my oldest twin all for the sake of some time at a gym they attend weekly.  Ahhhh....good times.

Later after some much needed rest, I bounced out of my oh-so-comfy bed (ok, ok, maybe I didn't bounce... maybe I limped out of my bed, heard my back crack, groaned that groan that only folks over the age of 40 have and muttered something to myself about coffee).  Looked at myself in the mirror and...


AHHHHHHHHHH!  Whoa, ok, grab the counter, shake my head a bit to get the cobwebs outta the 'ol noggin'. Good LAWD this girl needs a dye job and stat!

After coffee, food, and a lot of retracing my steps because I was so preoccupied with the 1453 tasks on my To Do list, I settled in.  I started making phone calls which I'm so not used to anymore.  I much prefer email/text/IM, hell, even yodeling over a mountain top, to calling someone.  After many of those blood pressure raising calls I was able to mark several things off the list.

That is a beautiful thing and I know you know what this Mama is talkin' about.

Then I move onto the side of the list that has in huge block letters, underlined in bold:

GOVERNMENT CRAP
Yes, I know.  Articulate isn't it?  

I continue with disability paperwork which only leads to more calls to the social security office.  I only waited about 6 minutes on hold and found that everything was waiting on someone to essentially look at it and make a decision.  This was after I attempted to get into my online account several times and received an error message that read "Call 1-800- because you need to do more stuff for us.  Well, dude on the phone had no idea why that error message was coming up so I quickly took his word for it that everything was A.Ok.  I'm sure that won't come back to haunt me.  

More online forms, more phone calls - phone is dead now -- recharging phone and I take a much needed break.  After I return from said break, I'm filling out more online forms which now are asking me for a confirmation code from previously said disability application. There's one problem. I don't have a confirmation code. Without  it, I cannot pass go, cannot collect $200 on this new government online form.  

*sigh*

I'm stuck.  Now, with my anxiety creeping up with my blood pressure, I spend the next 40 minutes scouring my house for another form from social security hoping beyond hope that I have a confirmation number on it. After looking through and purging paper after paper (and I swear after I went through this amount of paper I'm glad no one was here because they would've called Hoarders and signed me up) I find the form.  It was the last piece of paper I picked up.  

And.

It didn't have a confirmation number on it.  So now my blood pressure is through the roof, my anxiety is right there egging it on and I'm feeling pretty crazy by now.  The Rascals get home from school.  We have their routine and everyone is happy.  Awhile later their dad wants to take them out to give me some space and Rascals #1 refuses to leave me.  Since my brain tumor diagnosis his anxiety has been high as well.  Between genetic predisposition, Autism and recent health issues on my part, this kid doesn't stand a chance against it. It's the second day in a row that he refuses to leave me even to the point of balling up on the ground and trying to tuck his toes in his mouth so I can't get pants on him.  I'm in tears.  I give up and he stays home which again, am I allowing him to just process anxiety or am I caving in to how he's expressing his anxiety over my health issues?  I suppose it doesn't matter. Bottom line is the same.  So now the guilt starts and I'm in tears again. However, pretty quickly I realize that these tears are calming me down (even though I was a bawling, snotty nosed mess) I can literally feel my blood pressure going down..and my heart rate decreasing... and my body relaxing.  Thank the sweet baby Jesus for this moment!  After the nervous breakdown I felt loads better.  Rascal #1 and I hung out until the rest of the fam came home.  

I did notice that as soon as I started to move around  all my symptoms came back.  Unfriggin'believable. Here I was believing that a good cry was going to solve my problems.  

Kids fed, homework done, teeth brushed, stories read, songs sung and prayers prayed, I fall asleep quicker while snuggling them than I have in months.  

At 2:00pm I vowed to drink a margarita tonite  and I never made one. I think just knowing that refreshing, delicious and intoxicating escapism is awaiting me in my fridge is enough for now.  So now I'm on my bed, where it all began today and it's coming full circle.  Except in this moment, the house is quiet, the phone is charging, no one is contacting me and I'm drifting off slowly.  I wanted to slip into my jacuzzi tonite but that would require energy to get undressed, turn the faucets on and off and then dry off.  I'm tired just thinking about it.  

Tomorrow is a new day.  Perspective will be regained. Smiles will be back on my face and in my heart and hopefully I won't be on my deck, in 21 degrees, trying to calm myself down.  

Signing off for now.....

Searching...

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